Back in my first post I mentioned the gross misuse of pick-up lines by men in bars today. My prime example happened about 6 to 8 months ago and has never been outdone through my years in bars. I was sitting in a corner (minding my own business) when I accidently locked eyes with a young man across the bar. I noticed him moving towards me and pretending to be involved on my phone and with my tall beer. He walks over and says,

I just have to ask you, where did you get those beautiful Green eyes?

What’s the problem you ask? My eyes are BLUE.. very very BLUE!!  We are not just talking baby blue or ice grey blue, crystal ocean BLUE they are.  Some people have said, maybe he was colored blind- then why chooose a line about color?!

While this is the most famous utterance I have yet heard there have been many others:

How beautiful I am

How they would never leave me alone at the bar

Can they buy me a drink

Which guy in the band am I dating

Boooorrrrrriiiinnnngggg! (not that if they were any good I would go, but gimme a break!) Do you know how Drumboy won me over? By saying HI! Introducting himself, and sharing conversation over a drink (which if I recall I bought my own- he didn’t try to buy me on the first try.) Really all I’m trying to say guys is- just be normal! Strike up a genuine conversation, and if you find out I’m dating someone, don’t put them down as a means to get on my good side!

And whatever you do- don’t listen to any of these guides!

http://www.wikihow.com/Pick-Up-a-Girl

http://www.artofseductions.com/how-to-pick-up-girls/

http://www.pickupguide.com/

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When you think about your local pub or dive bar that you like to frequent, you can probably admit to yourself

Some of the most interesting discussions I’ve had, were in bars!

When you look back on it, it is as if every bar stool in the world shares a zip code. It is like sitting down to one very large, dysfunctional, family meal. There is the motherly type, the little sibling, the weird uncle (who may or may not touch you inappropriately,) crazy aunt Mildred is probably even there! Whoever comes to your family dinner, the point is when you walk into an establishment on a Friday night- you are now part of their family, their culture, and their world.

With that said, when you are sitting alone at a bar you open yourself up to all kinds of family reunions!

The Frat Boy– We all know what this looks like; popped collars, name brand jeans, Abercrombie cologne (too much of it,) probably a black or brown belt, hair gel, and don’t forget his best accessory- 8 other guys that look just like him.

  • Why he’s there: To pick up “chicks.” Funny thing about this is that the first thing I do when I see a formation of frat boys is sit at the other side of the bar!
  • What they drink: Beer; Light beer, Cheap beer… BEER.
  • Their significance: Let’s face it ladies, we need the provoking sight of these cookie cutter boys to remind us of every bad 3 week relationship and fruitless hookup we endured during our college years. Without these memories, the original and truly interesting guys in the bar wouldn’t stand a chance at talking to us.

The Lifer: This is the person at the bar who knows every bartender by name, their kids names, and probably their kids birthdays- heck, they were probably at the bar the day their kids were born. These are the people who have a designated bar stool, a regular drink, a specific number of ice cubes in their drink and they know how to breakdown the bar at night.

  • Why they’re there: Companionship, this bar really is their family.
  • What they drink: Whatever they want, however they want, before they need another one and without having to ask for it. Heck, it’s probably even named after them in this establishment!
  • Their significance: These are the people who make bartenders who they are and give the bar life. An establishment is only as strong as its people and without these guests the bar would have no backbone. These are the people thatlegends are made of and the ones to pass down the best information and make any new kid feel welcome.

THAT girl: She could be the 19-year-old underager at the bar, the 23-year-old who lives near by, or even the 40-year-old who comes in every Friday. THAT girl is the one in the midriff baring top, push up bra, backless, low-cut,  too short outfit where if she moves the wrong way or sneezes we are going to have a wardrobe malfunction. She’s the female in the room that laughs a little bit louder at every bad joke, calls everyone babe, and usually comes solo or with other guys.

  • Why she’s there: Attention. (nuff said)
  • What she drinks: Anything full of sugar and probably pink in color with a cherry on top (which by the way she can probably tie the stem in a knot.)
  • Her significance: She is there to help guys get laid, to make herself feel better, and to remind women that sometimes less is more and to age gracefully.

D.BAG– This is the guy with G.T.L tattoo’d on his biceps. He over poses in everyone’s photos or asks you to take his about 6 times so he can post in on Facebook,  Twitter, Myspace, Match.com, and any other forum that will make him feel cool. He was probably the jock in highschool who didn’t know when to quit and now he’s made his way into this bar..which he probably thinks he’s too cool for. He’s the guy wearing a new tattoo inspired bling’d out shirt 2 sizes too small for him, $200 jeans, and a tan to make the Caribbean’s jealous- even in the dead of winter.

  • Why he’s there: He thinks all the people looking at him and taking his picture are genuinely impressed with his physique, and of bringing the fist pump out of Jersey Shore… but in actuality he is just there so we can have websites about the D.Bags we all love to hate.
  • What he drinks: SHOTS!! and anything with Redbull.. gotta keep that fist pumpin!!
  • Their significance: The Dbag is there to remind us of a time in culture when everything went strangely awry. Ed Hardy ruled the stores, fist pumping became an actual dance move and G.T.L. had a meaning.

The Creeper: Every bar has one of these, usually skulking around the bar chatting up every girl in sight and not realizing the true level of their creepiness. It is the older man with long scraggly hair, 2 buttons undone on his linen shirt, a gold chain around his neck and maybe even a gold tooth (if he has teeth.) For fun lets say he also has a diamond pinky ring.

  • Why he’s there– Much like THAT girl, this person doesn’t know how to age gracefully. Whether they don’t realize how old they actually are and how ridiculous they look, or they are going through a midlife crisis fresh of a divorce with 3 kids and a sports car too small for them to comfortably fit it, they are creepy. They think they are there for the “ladies,” and we will placate niceties but in the end we turn away and shudder.
  • What they drink: Gin & tonic, Martini on the Rocks, or a Makers. Something straightforward and someone manly looking, but not a beer. Beer is not chic enough for the gold chain and doesn’t accent their pinky ring appropriately.
  • Their Significance: I think they are really just creepy..

During a recent discussion with some guys at my work (I think they said they were from Florida- what up guys! 🙂 our initial conversation kind of offended me- here’s what went down.

Them: So you’re dating the drummer huh-

Me: Yep!

Them: We’re curious, why the drummer? That’s not very sexy? They are  the bottom of the band hierarchy-

Me- OUCH!

This then peaked my interest and started a pretty interesting conversation, which- much like this blog, digressed into many different directions! However, the band hierarchy as it was described is the following:

For those of you that must know, most lead singers I know are complete man-whores (aka, not good manfriend material!) I’ve never had a problem with a guitarist, but they always seem a little reserved to me- not good for my intrusive personality. As for why the Drummer?!?!- Have you ever seen their arms & shoulders?- YES PLEASE!

So I forgo arguing the band hierarchy any further. (For the Record- while I agree the voice of the band is what most people recognize and know- unless they are developing a one man acapella group- they need the band!)

Moving from this conversation, we started talking about the recognition factor- and they dared me to name some famous drummers. While I knew some FANTASTIC ones like Tommy Lee, Travis Barker, Ringo, and even Phil Collins; many names escaped my mind.

With that said- let me take you on a journey of the worlds best drummers- the ones that give you a beat to tap to.

IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER:

I’m going to start with one badass chick- watched her for the first time the other day:

Cindy Blackman: Drummer for Lenny Kravitz & her own project

Danny Carey- TOOL

Lars Ulrich: Metallica

Sheila E: Marvin Gaye, Lionel Richie, Diana Ross, Prince – Another Chick Representin’

Keith Moon: The Who (duh!)

Tommy Lee: Motley Crue, Nikki Sixx, Rob Zombie, and more

Dave Grohl: Foo Figthers, Nirvana, etc

Simon Phillips: Mick Jagger, Whitesnake, Judas Priest

Meg White- White Stripes!!!

If that doesn’t open your eyes, check out this awesome kid on the drums.. at least you’re go “awwww” for the day-

While getting prepared for tonight’s festivities (cover band at a decent bar if you must know,) I was texting my girlfriend for company and she asked me a pretty standard question (though she thought it was silly.)

What do you usually wear when you go to his gigs?

My response was, “I’m usually pretty lazy, don’t get dressed up anymore.”

Well, this got my little wheels turning!

While its true, I look great in a good pair of jeans a plain colored tank top or fitted T-shirt and a statement making pair of shoes- my man deserves better than this. HOWEVER, why must I fuss over everything I wear out when I am already spoken for? (By now you’re wondering what this has to do with being a Bandaide, stay with me- I’m getting there.) While many are saying that even though I am spoken for I should still get dolled up for my man, I testify that there is a different reason.

It is the duty of the band aide to look amazing while being an ambassador of the band in the bar!

Just because I am at the bar spoken for (proudly!) it doesn’t mean that others are. They are there because this is where they choose to spend their hard-earned money on their night out- and I must honor that. These people could go to any bar in town, but they chose this one. They could listen to another band in town, but they chose this one. (In fact I myself could be at another band’s gig tonight!) Realizing that the people of the bar are the reason I have a band to be an aide to, makes me change my tune a little! I say break out the sparkle, the pizzazz, the skinny jeans and your highest heels! (P.S. I’ll take these in a size 8 if anyone has $2800 to spare!)

On a further note, prior to realizing I’m bringing sexy back tonight,  I was originally excited about this bar’s menu! When I was told where the gig is, my first response was,

 “Oh YES! They have the best pretzels!”

Now I know what you’re thinking… pretzels? But they really are life changing. This was the first time I was out at a bar and saw baked soft pretzels with dipping sauces on the menu- more bars really need to embrace this idea! But once again I’m rambling, so I will get to the point,

**The Subculture of  Bar Food**

Think to yourself right now the top five foods you always see at a bar-

  1. Chicken Wings (usually claiming to be the hottest in the world!)
  2. French Fries
  3. Some form of chips and cheese, salsa, cheese based dip, nachos etc.
  4. Breaded and deep friend cheese, zucchini, onions, and anything else they can throw in the oil
  5. Hamburgers

Pretty much everything here is fried (with the exception of hamburgers which usually come with french fries!) Who started the evolution of  frying everything in grease and serving it at midnight? In correlation with the first part of this post, how is anyone supposed to bring sexy back when you’re having fried food waived in your face and you’ve got wing sauce trailing up to your nose? I submit- not sexy!

See the excitement over the pretzels?

Break, dip, and pop in your mouth in one cute motion! (Not so bad on the waistline either!)

To read more on the subculture of bar food check out some of the links below- and next time you’re out play a fun little game called “Find the not fried!” and congratulate those bars who are going rogue on their menu!

Bar Food Paradise: http://www.travelchannel.com/Places_Trips/Travel_Ideas/Food_And_Drink/Food/Bar_Food_Paradise

Life in America: Immigrants guide, Bar Food : http://www.lifeintheusa.com/food/barfood.htm

Man V. Food: Mount Nacheesmo: http://www.travelchannel.com/travelchannel/TV_Shows/Man_V_Food/Video/Climb_Mount_Nacheesmo

French Fry Heaven: http://www.foodnetwork.com/videos/french-fry-heaven/1757.html

Definitions:

Urban Dictionary: A young woman, often under age, who seeks to achieve status by having sex with rock musicians, roadies, security, and other band-related guys. See Suzy Creamcheese.

(I didn’t dare check what Suzy Creamcheese meant.. can’t be anything good)

WiseGEEK: A groupie is generally considered an avid, often female, fan of a band or musical performer. The term derives from the female attaching herself to a group, the band. While the band is the group, the female is the groupie. Naturally, not all fans are groupies, and not all groupies are females. Further, there are now groupies of sports teams or players, actors, and oddly enough, high profile criminals.

Wikipedia: A groupie is a person who seeks emotional and sexual intimacy with a musician or other celebrity. “Groupie” is derived from group in reference to a musical group, but the word is also used in a more general sense, especially in casual conversation

So here’s the thing about Groupies, they are a fact of life when it comes to a band. I have seen groupies for headlining bands, local cover bands, national cover bands, and local original rock stars. I have seen groupies show up at major  entertainment venues and I’ve seen them show up to the dive bar down the street that holds 50 people.

Oh, and they come in all shapes in sizes. Short, tall, chubby, anorexic, faked out, au natural, blonde, brunette, Mexican, German, young and old, you name it- there’s a groupie. Another piece of advice, they are normally drugged out or at the very least drunk- so watch for crazies.

Distinguishing a fan or innocent bystander from a groupie is a skill that needs to be harvested and nurtured in order to keep you from going crazy. As a band aide you have two choices, you can sit back and let the jealousy destroy you and your relationship; or you can realize they come with the territory and there is a reason they are a groupie while you’re a band aide. (Obviously the answer is there is no choice- or you won’t last long as a band aide.) Just as with any relationship, jealousy is a fruit that will destroy you and trust is the most important tool to maintain. In fact, let’s look at it a different way; your man is so fabulous they can’t help but be enamored by him and that is something you can relish when you have him in your bed. The best tool you can have to deal with groupies is to maintain communication within your relationship. If you rock star stops to talk to long to someone, have a secret signal with each other. Remind him to lock eyes with you for just a second, even from across a crowded bar. Plan on meeting during the second break in a secluded corner to sneak a quick kiss, or just have a routine to wind down and reconnect after the show- taking a dip in the hot tub or joining the drunks at Denny’s are some of my favorites.

But Remember!!- Your man is working; you need to let him do his thing and maintain the bands image and integrity. After all, these innocent fans or raving mad groupies are the reason he’s getting paid to be there in the first place. Let him work it.

Enough with that relationship business, let’s get back to the groupies.

Groupies were most in their element in the late 1960’s and 1970’s- the rock & roll era. Mick Jagger, Led Zepplin, Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix, John Lennon, you name em, there were groupies who serviced them. The funny thing is, America kind of puts groupies in a different category than your everyday ‘easy’ women. It is almost as if we have idolized them in their own right (I mean who wouldn’t, look who these women ran with!) It is one of the beautiful things in American double standards, but I’m getting off track.

This brings me to so-called modern groupies- I’m disappointed in what the art form has become. I’d rather refer to them as gold diggers. Self-proclaimed sports groupies, women of rap, current rock groupies and even political aficionados have diluted the original purpose of being a groupie into something far more scandalous. Original rock groupies main high was being around those who were famous just to be around their greatness. They wanted to be a part of their life- even if just for an hour. They respected the art and the artist and  wanted to party and possibly have sex with them. Todays ‘groupies’ (I shudder to refer to them as such,) are all about the money, the shoes, the trips, and eventually getting child support for the next 18 years.

With that said- let’s pay homage to the beauty that was the original Groupie art form- (Warning: Language & Content)

src=”http://www.youtube.com/v/OZYwa3JcuQ8?fs=1&hl=en_US&rel=0″ type=”application/x-shockwave-flash” allowscriptaccess=”always” allowfullscreen=”true” width=”480″ height=”385″>

Links:

http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-a-groupie.htm

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=groupie

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Groupie

At a recent show I was discussing with a fellow band aide some of the realities we’ve learned over the year(s). That said, there are some simple facts about dating someone in a band you need to know:

1-      If you never played an instrument in your life (and clarinet in 7th grade band for one semester doesn’t count,) you will learn more about set up, break down, amps, cables, mic stands, guitar picks, set lists, drum kits, recording….. than you ever wanted, needed, or cared to know.

2-      Groupies exist. Male, female, young, old, cover band or headliner- Groupies Exist

3-      The songs all sound the same after a while. You could hear your favorite song being played backwards and in Latin and you won’t realize something’s awry. They can change the order of the set, they can change the actual set, they can even change the genre of music they are playing- it all becomes the same after a while.

4-      It’s not for the dependent. You will spend a lot of time alone. You will spend a lot of weekends at the end of a bar waiting for them to take a break so you get 5 mins of face time, and you will do it willingly and happily. More often than not you won’t even get those 5 minutes during the break, (they need to pee eventually!) and if you do, it will probably be taking shots with them at the bar before they go back on.

5-      It’s not for the Anti-social. Hand in hand with #4, because you are alone, people will approach you. They will think you’re single. They will try to pick you up and they will use really bad pick-up lines (more on this topic later!)

6-      You will learn to pace yourself. You are usually at the venue for 4 hours give or take. You are there earlier than everyone else for set up, and you are the usually the last ones to leave (after breakdown.) You learn to control the speed in which you check your Facebook and email accounts, the pace at which you people watch and even the pace at which you visit the powder room (you walk slower, pee slower, and check your lip gloss at least twice.)

7-      Oh, you’ll also learn to pace your alcohol consumption… because it will be plentiful. Nuff said-

8-      Forget being an early bird or morning person… Scratch that- you will still get up early, but its undoubted you went to bed just 4 hours ago and are still trying to balance life. You will live off of coffee and energy drinks and you will never have a set schedule. Also remember that the world does not change its schedule when you do- breakfast still ends at 10 a.m. at most places so if you want breakfast on Sunday morning at noon (the only day you get to sleep in) you will have to go somewhere that serves breakfast all day- McDonald’s is not one of them.

9-      Your ear will tune to the instrument your significant other plays. Everything else will be white noise around it, and it will change the way you hear everything. You will be listening to Taylor Swifts new album with your girlfriend and while she’s belting out the words to the latest pop hit and you will be thinking, the drum track on this song is awesome!

10-   You will have the time of your life-  if you can handle it.