Archive for February, 2011

Back in my first post I mentioned the gross misuse of pick-up lines by men in bars today. My prime example happened about 6 to 8 months ago and has never been outdone through my years in bars. I was sitting in a corner (minding my own business) when I accidently locked eyes with a young man across the bar. I noticed him moving towards me and pretending to be involved on my phone and with my tall beer. He walks over and says,

I just have to ask you, where did you get those beautiful Green eyes?

What’s the problem you ask? My eyes are BLUE.. very very BLUE!!  We are not just talking baby blue or ice grey blue, crystal ocean BLUE they are.  Some people have said, maybe he was colored blind- then why chooose a line about color?!

While this is the most famous utterance I have yet heard there have been many others:

How beautiful I am

How they would never leave me alone at the bar

Can they buy me a drink

Which guy in the band am I dating

Boooorrrrrriiiinnnngggg! (not that if they were any good I would go, but gimme a break!) Do you know how Drumboy won me over? By saying HI! Introducting himself, and sharing conversation over a drink (which if I recall I bought my own- he didn’t try to buy me on the first try.) Really all I’m trying to say guys is- just be normal! Strike up a genuine conversation, and if you find out I’m dating someone, don’t put them down as a means to get on my good side!

And whatever you do- don’t listen to any of these guides!

http://www.wikihow.com/Pick-Up-a-Girl

http://www.artofseductions.com/how-to-pick-up-girls/

http://www.pickupguide.com/

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When you think about your local pub or dive bar that you like to frequent, you can probably admit to yourself

Some of the most interesting discussions I’ve had, were in bars!

When you look back on it, it is as if every bar stool in the world shares a zip code. It is like sitting down to one very large, dysfunctional, family meal. There is the motherly type, the little sibling, the weird uncle (who may or may not touch you inappropriately,) crazy aunt Mildred is probably even there! Whoever comes to your family dinner, the point is when you walk into an establishment on a Friday night- you are now part of their family, their culture, and their world.

With that said, when you are sitting alone at a bar you open yourself up to all kinds of family reunions!

The Frat Boy– We all know what this looks like; popped collars, name brand jeans, Abercrombie cologne (too much of it,) probably a black or brown belt, hair gel, and don’t forget his best accessory- 8 other guys that look just like him.

  • Why he’s there: To pick up “chicks.” Funny thing about this is that the first thing I do when I see a formation of frat boys is sit at the other side of the bar!
  • What they drink: Beer; Light beer, Cheap beer… BEER.
  • Their significance: Let’s face it ladies, we need the provoking sight of these cookie cutter boys to remind us of every bad 3 week relationship and fruitless hookup we endured during our college years. Without these memories, the original and truly interesting guys in the bar wouldn’t stand a chance at talking to us.

The Lifer: This is the person at the bar who knows every bartender by name, their kids names, and probably their kids birthdays- heck, they were probably at the bar the day their kids were born. These are the people who have a designated bar stool, a regular drink, a specific number of ice cubes in their drink and they know how to breakdown the bar at night.

  • Why they’re there: Companionship, this bar really is their family.
  • What they drink: Whatever they want, however they want, before they need another one and without having to ask for it. Heck, it’s probably even named after them in this establishment!
  • Their significance: These are the people who make bartenders who they are and give the bar life. An establishment is only as strong as its people and without these guests the bar would have no backbone. These are the people thatlegends are made of and the ones to pass down the best information and make any new kid feel welcome.

THAT girl: She could be the 19-year-old underager at the bar, the 23-year-old who lives near by, or even the 40-year-old who comes in every Friday. THAT girl is the one in the midriff baring top, push up bra, backless, low-cut,  too short outfit where if she moves the wrong way or sneezes we are going to have a wardrobe malfunction. She’s the female in the room that laughs a little bit louder at every bad joke, calls everyone babe, and usually comes solo or with other guys.

  • Why she’s there: Attention. (nuff said)
  • What she drinks: Anything full of sugar and probably pink in color with a cherry on top (which by the way she can probably tie the stem in a knot.)
  • Her significance: She is there to help guys get laid, to make herself feel better, and to remind women that sometimes less is more and to age gracefully.

D.BAG– This is the guy with G.T.L tattoo’d on his biceps. He over poses in everyone’s photos or asks you to take his about 6 times so he can post in on Facebook,  Twitter, Myspace, Match.com, and any other forum that will make him feel cool. He was probably the jock in highschool who didn’t know when to quit and now he’s made his way into this bar..which he probably thinks he’s too cool for. He’s the guy wearing a new tattoo inspired bling’d out shirt 2 sizes too small for him, $200 jeans, and a tan to make the Caribbean’s jealous- even in the dead of winter.

  • Why he’s there: He thinks all the people looking at him and taking his picture are genuinely impressed with his physique, and of bringing the fist pump out of Jersey Shore… but in actuality he is just there so we can have websites about the D.Bags we all love to hate.
  • What he drinks: SHOTS!! and anything with Redbull.. gotta keep that fist pumpin!!
  • Their significance: The Dbag is there to remind us of a time in culture when everything went strangely awry. Ed Hardy ruled the stores, fist pumping became an actual dance move and G.T.L. had a meaning.

The Creeper: Every bar has one of these, usually skulking around the bar chatting up every girl in sight and not realizing the true level of their creepiness. It is the older man with long scraggly hair, 2 buttons undone on his linen shirt, a gold chain around his neck and maybe even a gold tooth (if he has teeth.) For fun lets say he also has a diamond pinky ring.

  • Why he’s there– Much like THAT girl, this person doesn’t know how to age gracefully. Whether they don’t realize how old they actually are and how ridiculous they look, or they are going through a midlife crisis fresh of a divorce with 3 kids and a sports car too small for them to comfortably fit it, they are creepy. They think they are there for the “ladies,” and we will placate niceties but in the end we turn away and shudder.
  • What they drink: Gin & tonic, Martini on the Rocks, or a Makers. Something straightforward and someone manly looking, but not a beer. Beer is not chic enough for the gold chain and doesn’t accent their pinky ring appropriately.
  • Their Significance: I think they are really just creepy..

During a recent discussion with some guys at my work (I think they said they were from Florida- what up guys! 🙂 our initial conversation kind of offended me- here’s what went down.

Them: So you’re dating the drummer huh-

Me: Yep!

Them: We’re curious, why the drummer? That’s not very sexy? They are  the bottom of the band hierarchy-

Me- OUCH!

This then peaked my interest and started a pretty interesting conversation, which- much like this blog, digressed into many different directions! However, the band hierarchy as it was described is the following:

For those of you that must know, most lead singers I know are complete man-whores (aka, not good manfriend material!) I’ve never had a problem with a guitarist, but they always seem a little reserved to me- not good for my intrusive personality. As for why the Drummer?!?!- Have you ever seen their arms & shoulders?- YES PLEASE!

So I forgo arguing the band hierarchy any further. (For the Record- while I agree the voice of the band is what most people recognize and know- unless they are developing a one man acapella group- they need the band!)

Moving from this conversation, we started talking about the recognition factor- and they dared me to name some famous drummers. While I knew some FANTASTIC ones like Tommy Lee, Travis Barker, Ringo, and even Phil Collins; many names escaped my mind.

With that said- let me take you on a journey of the worlds best drummers- the ones that give you a beat to tap to.

IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER:

I’m going to start with one badass chick- watched her for the first time the other day:

Cindy Blackman: Drummer for Lenny Kravitz & her own project

Danny Carey- TOOL

Lars Ulrich: Metallica

Sheila E: Marvin Gaye, Lionel Richie, Diana Ross, Prince – Another Chick Representin’

Keith Moon: The Who (duh!)

Tommy Lee: Motley Crue, Nikki Sixx, Rob Zombie, and more

Dave Grohl: Foo Figthers, Nirvana, etc

Simon Phillips: Mick Jagger, Whitesnake, Judas Priest

Meg White- White Stripes!!!

If that doesn’t open your eyes, check out this awesome kid on the drums.. at least you’re go “awwww” for the day-